Goodbye My Angel...

*Backdated post* -  Meant to post this earlier but the pain was unbearable whenever I tried to continue writing it....

This is by far, one of the toughest post that I have to write...  Penning down my was not easy at all.... Every word is like a needle piercing through my heart...  Yet I knew I have to write it down....  I want my babies to remember our family of 5 should have been a family of 6....  Should have been...  And their little sibling is with HIM now... What was on my mind and what I'm going through..

He's gone...  My little Angel is gone...

It all started with a little remark from Beanie, the week before I found out I was pregnant again.  He said there's a baby inside me and he is a boy.... I remembered clearly I laughed at it and didn't think much about it.

Then I missed my period...   Just after 2 days, I had this feeling that I was pregnant...  Yup, just after 2 days and I was right..  It was supposed to be a joyous occasion.. But it didn't turn out that way...

(30/3) I was so looking forward to my gynae visit.  We brought along my 3 babies... All of us were expecting to see a tiny pounding heart...  We talked and joked with my doc.  Then it was time for me to do my scan...

My doc was smiling & chatting with me while I was doing my scan...  But she suddenly turn serious.  My baby is gone...  No heartbeat... No matter how many times she tried to look for it or I how much I strained my eyes to see, I can't see the pounding heart...  I can't remember exactly what my doc said...  The only words I heard were "no heartbeat... Not growing...."

How can it be? WHY?  WHY ME?  I have 3 perfectly normal pregnancies, why this time it is different?????  How could this happen?

I WANT MY ANGEL BACK!!! I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE HIM BACK!!!

My world is like falling apart... I can't hear a thing anyone said.... I was in daze... That evening, I was so tempted to die... Yes, it was very selfish of me to think of that...  But the pain is so unbearable...   I can't accept the fact that he was gone... He was only 10+ weeks...

The very next day...  I did the op...  I still couldn't accept the fact that my little Angel is gone...  I asked to do the scan again.  I hoped for a miracle..  I prayed and prayed...  But there's no miracle... I have to face the fact that my baby is gone...

I miss you my little Angel..  The thought of you always bring tears to my eyes... Pain that beyond words can describe..  There were so many what ifs...  Who will he looks like?  How's life will be with him around?  Yet, all these will never happen coz he's gone...   You may only be in me for a very short time but I can never forget you.  You will always have a place in my heart...  I will never have a chance to hold you , hug you...  Not a chance to see you, talk to you, see you smile.....  None!  None at all...

We did not share the news with many people, not even our families...  Only some close friends.. What can they say to me if they know?  Can they bring him back to life?  No... I really do not wish to hear any consoling words at that time... It makes me feel even worse...

Always remember when you see a person smiling or being cheerful on the outside means all is well.  Or when a person seems perfectly 'normal' means they have no issue at all!  Just that people do not want to share nor burden you with problems of their own.  I mention this coz of some idiotic people remarks...

I hope by penning down my thoughts, it will be sort of like a 'closure' to me and move on...  No!  There's no way I will ever forget about my Angel... How could I?  But I really hope I could move on...  For the sake of my family....  It's not fair for my kiddos to bear the pain with me...  They are too young to understand what I'm going through...  People often says time will heal, will it?  I hope...